older sibling dominance

Conflict Paper

This long-standing conflict is between my sister and I. It started in childhood, she is six years older than I am.  Studies show  that older sisters establish dominance in the relationship in childhood and cannot make the necessary adjustments in adulthood to treat younger sibling as an equal.  (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3157954/) , Fam Relat. 2010 December; 59(5): 520–532.

doi:  10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00620.x

In February of 2006, I moved back in with my mother and grandmother after living in Orlando, Florida for 16 years.  This did not please my sister and she voiced her opposition. She told my mother to throw me out even though I had no job or means of support.  My mother told her to mind her own business.  In our Italian culture, and in our economic times, it has become acceptable to let an adult offspring live with you. http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424127887323699704578326583020869940

When my grandmother died, my mother and I grew closer and I was able to make amends for past behaviors.  The chasm between my sister and I, however, grew even further apart.  She continued to threaten my security and self-esteem by putting me down and trying to discredit me and finally I had it and confronted her loudly and with vitriol. The tone of voice was wrong, but I meant what I said. I confronted her lies because I had developed a good lie detector from recovery and therapy.

Unconscious processes improve lie detection.

Reinhard, Marc-André; Greifeneder, Rainer; Scharmach, Martin

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 105(5), Nov 2013, 721-739. doi: 10.1037/a0034352

After that I had developed problems with concentration and fibroids.  I cannot help but think that my physical symptoms are a result of the stress afterwards. Studies show there is a link between emotional stress and physical symptoms.

The mental effects of bullying can include:  depression, anxiety

loss of concentration, motivation and self-confidence, feelings of anger and hostility towards colleagues and the employing firm

This, according to the website www.workplacebullying.org,

(Hansen, A., Hogh, A., &Persson, R. (2011).  Frequency of bullying at work, physiological response, and mental health.  Journal of Psychosomatic Research, Vol 70(1), pp. 19-27, doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychores.2010.05.010.

My mother did not acknowledge my feelings which furthered the stress. But I told her exactly what I thought of my sister.

Sometimes parents don’t know or do not acknowledge.

Levine, T., Kim, R., & Blair, P. (2010). (In)accuracy at Detecting True and False Confessions and Denials: An Initial Test of a Projected Motive Model of Veracity Judgments. Human Communication Research, 36, (1), 82-102. doi: 10.1111/j.1468-2958.2009.01369.x

Matsunaga, M. (2009).  Parents don’t (always) know their children have been bullied: Child-parent discrepancy on bullying and family-level profile of communication standards. Human Communication Research, 35(2), p221-247, doi: 10.1111/j.1468-2958.2009.01345.x

 My mother died in February of 2012.  She died in peace. I went through hell with my sister. She made me the executor of her estate further raising the ire and indignation of my sister. My sister continued her bullying threatening behavior. I had to sell the house since my mother provided the proviso I could only stay there two years and I sold the house while the market was hot.  Therefore, I made sure that I executed my fiduciary responsibilities with aplomb and integrity and distributed the monies fairly among all the members of the family.  The only thing left is to pay the taxes on the property gains.

I see a few theories in play. My sister wanted to save face

Culture and interpersonal communication. Sage series in interpersonal communication, Vol. 8.

And try to discredit me in order to gain dominance once again.  I forgive her. She is hurt and hurt people hurt others.

In society, we have an us vs. them mentality. We set the “other” up as our enemy (p.69 Erbe).

 We need to break the cycle.

Conflict Paper

Conflict theory

This long-standing conflict is between my sister and I. It started in childhood; she is six years older than I am.  Studies show (Tucker, et. al.)  that older sisters establish dominance in the relationship in childhood and cannot make the necessary adjustments in adulthood to treat younger sibling as an equal.

In February of 2006, I moved back in with my mother and grandmother after living in Orlando, Florida for 16 years.  This did not please my sister and she voiced her opposition. She told my mother to throw me out even though I had no job or means of support.  My mother told her to mind her own business.  In our Italian culture, and in our economic times (http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424127887323699704578326583020869940), it has become acceptable to let an adult offspring live with you.

When my grandmother died, my mother and I grew closer and I was able to make amends for past behaviors.  The chasm between my sister and I, however, grew even further apart.  She continued to threaten my security and self-esteem by putting me down and trying to discredit me and finally I had it and confronted her loudly and with vitriol. The tone of voice was wrong, but I meant what I said. I confronted her lies because I had developed a good lie detector from recovery and therapy (Reinhard, et. al), (Levine, et. al.).

After that I had developed problems with concentration and fibroids.  I cannot help but think that my physical symptoms are a result of the stress afterwards. Studies show (Hansen, et. al) there is a link between emotional stress and physical symptoms.   The mental effects of bullying can include: depression,  anxiety,  loss of concentration,  motivation and self-confidence.

My mother did not acknowledge my feelings which furthered the stress. But I told her exactly what I thought of my sister.

Sometimes parents don’t know or do not acknowledge  (Matsununaga, 2009).

My mother died in February of 2012.  She died in peace. I went through hell with my sister. My mother made me the executor of her estate further raising the ire and indignation of my sister. My sister continued her bullying threatening behavior. I had to sell the house since my mother provided the proviso I could only stay there tow years and I sold the house while the market was hot.  Therefore, I made sure that I executed my fiduciary responsibilities with aplomb and integrity and distributed the monies fairly among all the members of the family.  The only thing left is to pay the taxes on the property gains.

I see a few theories in play. My sister wanted to save face. According to Stella ting-Toomey, (Gudykunst, et.al)  there is a “dominating personality” (“win/lose”)-Competing to win your position, one person has more control.

She also tries to discredit me in order to gain dominance once again.  I forgive her. She is hurt and hurt people hurt others.  In society, we have an us vs. them mentality. We set the “other” up as our enemy (p.69 Erbe).

 

We need to break the cycle.

Gudykunst, W.  Ting-Toomey, S., Chua, E. (1988) Culture and interpersonal communication. Sage series in interpersonal communication, Vol. 8. Thousand Oaks, CA, US: Sage Publications, Inc.

Hansen, A., Hogh, A., &Persson, R. (2011).  Frequency of bullying at work, physiological response, and mental health.  Journal of Psychosomatic Research, Vol 70(1), pp. 19-27, doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychores.2010.05.010.

Jaffee, S., Bowes, L., Morin, I., Moffitt, T., Merrick, M. and Arsenault, L. (2013) Interrupting child maltreatment across Generations through safe, stable, nurturing Relationships. Journal of Adolescent Health. 53 (4) S4-10.  http://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(13)00244-9/abstract

 

Levine, T., Kim, R., & Blair, P. (2010). (In)accuracy

About eagles11eyes

smart, athletic, musical
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